Sometimes I’ll be reading a story, watching a television program, listening to a talk show on satellite radio or even hearing real-life people talk, and I have to catch myself, pause, and think: “Did I hear that right?”The scenario usually involves the chronology of a relationship being detailed incisively. Persistent relationship woes may be presented. Prevalent and unresolved dilemmas may dovetail. The minutiae of financial, sexual, behavioral, religious and other problems may be transparently laid out like an opening argument, then the woman says something like this:
“We’ve been engaged for seven years.”
Or . . .
“We’ve been living together for four years.”
Or . . .
“I’ve been his fiancé since I was about 23 – and I’m 27 now.”
Okay then. Alrighty now. Just wow!
When I hear stories punctuated by the inanity of a woman being in such a position, I experience a sort of figurative whiplash. That tidbit makes me jolt mentally, my eyes enlarge, my brows furrow and I might say something like, “I know I did not just hear that!”
Ladies, if you have been some guy’s fiancée, housemate or girlfriend for umpteen years and there is no wedding date confirmed, no nuptials being planned and/or no ring on your finger (or other materially demonstrative sign of commitment, if you are averse to rings), the odds are quite high that you are wasting away your youth, vibrancy and beauty on a promise that will never be fulfilled. You will never get this time back.
If a man has not mentioned marrying you within three years of being in a committed relationship with you (and, frankly, this is too long), get it moving. If a man has claimed he will marry you, but still has not after two or three years pass, he probably won’t. This is especially true if he keeps pushing back dates and making excuses.
What’s worse is not only when women find themselves in these situations, but when they assume all of the accoutrements of marriage in the process, with none of the protections and benefits. By this, I mean bringing children into the world as single women (and don’t get it twisted, if you are not married, you are a single woman/single mother). I also mean relying on a man who is not your husband to support you financially and materially. I mean putting off your ambitions, hopes, dreams and potential on hold to satisfy the ego, desires, needs and beck and call of a man who doesn’t think enough of you to make your status official.
A man who is willing to keep a woman on the hook perpetually – who is willing to be the accomplice in her becoming and living the life of a statistic – is, in my estimation, not really a man. At a minimum, he is not one who’s worth the investment of a woman’s best and most productive years. At best, he is simply clueless and knows not what he does. At worst – and perhaps most accurately – he is selfish and somewhat narcissistic and becomes pimpish by default, breaking his woman off with empty promises, bygone deadlines and material frivolity in exchange for an extension on this unholy arrangement.
Let’s face it: Most women do not grow up dreaming to be unmarried mothers of multiple children by one or more men. They don’t dream of being the statistics cited in works like the seminal Moynihan Report, nor do they like being right-wing fodder for talking heads and talk radio diatribes. Women become so because of bad decisions, a lack of critical thinking, poor guidance, familial/generational choices, few real-life role models, low self-esteem, poor finances and/or the ignorance, invincibility and willfulness of youth itself.
Let’s also face this: Most men know if they want to marry a woman relatively quickly. It is not a process that takes a decade to figure out. As a woman with a long history of having many male friends, I have had the benefit of being privy to the inner reaches of many a heterosexual male’s mind. Just like women know pretty readily whether or not they’d ever sleep with or be sexually attracted to a certain man, men, too, don’t take forever to know if a woman is a marital contender or a meal ticket just until the five-course dinner arrives.
I know it sounds harsh, but it’s true.
Frankly, I am tired of seeing single sisters pushing strollers and walking about with babies on their hips with no man in sight. I am sick of our women being mothers before becoming wives (of course, this reversal of course makes the latter less of a realistic possibility for such women). I am tired of walking statistics playing house and pretending to be married, while badmouthing the very institution they try to emulate. I am sick of the nuclear family being a myth to countless children who look like mine.
Ladies, if you are shacking up with a man for any significant period of time and he has not talked marriage and made a formal proposal, your investment may be as valuable as a $2 bill.
Sisters, if you are having children by a man who has no shame in his own game, well, damn, you are equally to blame.
Men thrive off of the challenge, pursuit and attainment of a goal. Cohabitating and having children without marriage takes all incentive away. As much as we modern humans think we are removed from the God-given impulses and instincts He endowed us with, largely according to our sex, those triggers and sensors still lie within us - and not as deeply as some of us would like to think.
So, that’s my message today. The cycle of single, baby momma sisters and their careless, clueless, self-interested baby daddies/fake fiancés/lifelong boyfriends pisses me off.
It has gotten old – and it’s been old. There is nothing cute, sexy, progressive or righteous about it.












